Tommy on the Right

He makes me cry...

New Favorite Tommy Shaw Song.

Childhood Dreams

Once upon a time Pauly Shore was the greatest living actor. Now, no one knows where he is or what he's doing. Because of his brilliant career, I've had a life long dream to own five of his hit movies. During the Hay Day of his career, he created such fantastic films as:

1. Encino Man

2. Son-in-Law

3. In the Army Now

4. Jury Duty

5. Bio-Dome

I have searched high and low for these films over the past few years. Finally, after a few trips to Wal-Mart and my new favorite store, I'm the proud owner of all five. There's a wonderful used DVD, BOOK, MUSIC store I visited in Logan, UT called Hastings. It's one magical location. Just a few weeks ago I found a Hastings in Idaho Falls, ID. It's so important me! I make a trip there almost every week. Thanks to this gem of a store, I've also found some childhood favorites.

I just found Troop Beverly Hills. Love it! I've also become a recent owner of Teen Witch, Matilda, White Fang, The Three Musketeers, The Great Chipmunk Adventure, and Baby Boom. These movies were my childhood. Watching these movies reminds me of being a kid.

I miss it...

Tokyo Drift

I'm officially back at school. Yikes... Dear heavens, it's been quite the busy, complicated, and overwhelming time. I can't think of one thing that has gone right, but I suppose that's just life. Things are bound to be difficult, but I'm learning to recognize the good and sometimes painstakingly funny situations I find myself in.

At last week's Family Home Evening, one of my FHE brothers wore a shirt that said, "I Heart Boobs." After I saw this shirt, I looked around for validation to confirm that he was and is a total tool bag, but everyone avoided my eye contact. 'Boob' Brother, who I lovingly refer to as Beak, proceeded to give the spiritual thought to our group. Really!?! I guess they don't make 'em like they used to.

A few weeks ago, I had another bizarre encounter with some fine gentlemen. On this day, I was quite busy and I had an evening leadership meeting for my new church calling. This meeting began at 7PM and lasted until 9:30PM.

When the meeting was over, I drove two girls home that live in my same apartment complex. My intention was to drop the girls off, then park my car on the street. One of the girls got out, but my dear friend and Relief Society President, Carrie Fox stayed and chatted with me in my car. As we were sitting there, Eva walked by and hopped in the car to talk to us. Then came: Janese, Shelly, Sarah, Shanae, and Grouse (Allison). Each person packed in my car one by one. We sat there for a little while talking and laughing.

Suddenly, a car pulled up beside mine. There were two boys sitting in the front seats and they rolled down their window to say something, but I couldn't hear what the were saying. I rolled down my window to solve the problem. These boys must of been 17 years old, maybe a little younger or slightly older. They were both wearing their flat-billed caps backwards. They were also adorned in very baggie, but brightly colored clothes. Mmm.... STOOPID.

The driver of the mysterious vehicle said this, "Hey shorties, looks like you got lots of ladies in your car. Do some of you wanna get in my car?" Did I mention these boys are white? We all laughed and of course Eva, was the first to say, "How old are you?" Where's your mom?" The boys continued to throw out words and jargon heard only on VH1 reality shows or Rap music videos.

I asked what they were doing and they said, "You know? Creepin' on some girls." I don't think they know they live in Rexburg, Idaho. They told us they went to BYU-Idaho. LIE NUMBER ONE. They told us they were 19. LIE NUMBER TWO. Carrie asked them if they were going to serve missions. The driver said, I haven't decided yet... Should I go? We all emphatically answered YES! I asked them what courses they were taking. They were obviously thrown for a loop at this inquisition. After some audible "Uhhhss" and "Ummmss," they finally answered, "Oh you know, general education." I said, "Oh, so you're probably taking Book of Mormon, right?" The kid in the passenger seat immediately replied, "No! We're not that good." HAHAHA AAHAHAHA!!! He thought we'd be soooo impressed. Carrie then said, "If you wanna creep on some girls, the dorms are that way." I finally felt fed up with the situation when the driver said to me, "Have you seen The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift?" I responded sarcastically, "Yeah it's on the top of my list along with The Shawshank Redemption." The boy responded, "Sh@$ yeah! My car is in that movie. Do you like my car?..."

...Well, that was it for me. I was officially over these thug preschoolers creepin' on me.

I wrapped up the conversation by saying, "OK well, good luck with school and I hope you boys decide to serve missions. They stared at us blankly and the driver said, "You guys are really mean." He put his car in gear and drove off crying... I'm assuming.

As you can all plainly see, I've had some bizarre encounters with men. This semester has been one of great first, second, and third impressions. I hope my sarcastic tone is noted.

Toupee or Not Toupee

I'm shattered and disturbed by the fact that Elton John doesn't write his own lyrics. What a fake! This is a devastating betrayal. "Tiny Dancer," "Rocket Man" (a personal favorite), "Candle in the Wind," and "Bennie and the Jets" for heaven's sake... It's all fake! What's next? Oh, you're not really British, Elton? Ah, and your name isn't Elton... It's Bo-Jangles??? I feel like retching all over his terrible Toupee. Yet another lie. I bet he doesn't even know who Princess Diana or Marilyn Monroe are?

Blue Collar WoMan

I have a job. Great, right? No.

This job is working for RTD's treasury department.

Work begins at 6am. Jank.

I sit in a broken swivel chair.

I have to wear a hospital-gown-blue jumpsuit.

It's flattering.

It hugs me in all the right places.

It's comfortable.

And it makes me look smaller than I am.

If you've ever seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure,

I look exactly like Francis Buxton.

Uncanny, really.

This job lasts only a week and a half more.

I'm awaiting its conclusion with great excitement.

I've never been so motivated to receive a college education.

I'll try to get a snapshot of myself stretching in my jumpsuit.

Still Foxy

OK, ok, Okay... I know it's been forever, but it's only because a life changing event occured and it's taken me a long while to truly process and gather my thoughts. I've been writing about this event bit by bit for months now. I never want to forget this night. I wanted every detail, emotion, and feeling to be put down in writing. It's mostly for me, but I want to share.

CAUTION: THIS IS EXTRAORDINARILY and EXCESSIVELY LONG

Alrighty, you ready?

For those of you who don't know me at all... I have a deep-rooted love and obsession with STYX. Finally, the dream of seeing Styx in concert and being in the same arena as Tommy Shaw was realized.

Let me give you the background on Tommy. He is one of two original members of Styx. He has golden locks that transcend time and space. He was in a Calvin Klein ad. He wore all black and a red scarf the first time I saw him. He is my boyfriend. I believe we're in a serious, monogamous relationship. He's 56, married, and the love of my life.

By the time plans were finalized to travel from Rexburg to Denver, it was the morning before the concert. The journey began at 11AM with Tommy Shaw in our heart, Styx on the stereo, and magic in the air. I strongly resembled a stupid schoolgirl/groupie/Band-Aids (obscure Almost Famous reference). We had a full ten hours to conjure-up and imagine our fate at the concert. Endless conversations began and ended with Tommy Shaw's name. Oh boy! He can hit me. If it's not completely obvious let me be redundant. I love Tommy Shaw! He's the only man I could ever really commit myself to. I was willing to do anything to meet him, this includes getting arrested.

Once we entered Red Rocks Amphitheater, it was clear that the audience members were mostly dead-heads tightly gripping the 70's and their reefer buzz. I've seen enough foo-man-choo's and skullets (a mullet but bald on top exposing the skull) to last me a lifetime. I was surfing a sea of tie-dye in the twentieth row, awaiting Styx arrival.

Kansas opened the show. What a buzz kill. They were better than I thought, but still... *snooze* Even though they weren't Styx, I found their appearances to be highly entertaining. The stage persona I'm certain they were trying achieve, made them easily identifiable. Here's how:

1) Eye-Patch man

2) Bare-Chest-Vest man

3) Tony Gazelle (google image that bizz)

As the sun made its day's descent, so did my heart as it sunk deep into my chest. I was a child awaiting, hoping, and wishing for one distant glance from Tommy. Oh, Tommy can you hear me? Will you see me? When Styx arrived on stage it was the crowning moment of my existence. I screamed, hooped, and hollered. I flailed like a crazy person escaping the looney bin with the scent of freedom in their nostrils. Tommy Shaw glided on stage like a gazelle, Rock God. I saw a man. He is my idol. He is the one. He has the all encompassing "IT" factor.

Styx was everything. They were salvation.

During their set Tommy Shaw said, "I have a feeling this is

someone's first Styx concert." I leaped in the air screaming and waving my arms, certain he felt my heart in some rare cosmic circumstance. The next song began, but Tommy was still talking while the song was in full-frontal mode. I continued to leap higher and higher in hopes of getting his attention. He pointed around where I was standing and said,

"I see you, I see you up there."

...WHAT???

Now, here's the deal, I knew there was very little, to no chance he was referring to me in a crowd of 10,000 people, but I told myself, just take it as if it were true... As if he were really pointing and talking to you whilst singing and tearing his glorious axe to shreds!

The rest of the concert was magical. I loved every second. Two of the moments I will never forget are as follows: While Styx played "Come Sail Away," I looked behind me and saw 10,000 people collectively fist pumping, moving, and singing in unison. As I stole a glance behind me, all I could see was the deeply fallen night  sky, and the faces of utterly gratified audience members for this sublime music. 

The other crowning moment involved the song "Renegade." During their encore, a young girl, no more than six years-old, sat on her father's shoulders waving her fist in unison with every nuance and idiosyncrasy of the music. She sang every word with her hair all adorned in ribbons and a Styx T-shirt. Although there was a vast difference in our ages, the moment captured a mutual and united love we each felt for the music.

With their set concluded, I went on a pain-staking quest to FIND Mr. Shaw (that sounds sexy). Foreigner was prepping to take the stage, we took that as our cue to get the search underway. It's all about Tommy... (Peace OUT Foreigner)! It was difficult. It was like trying to solve a crossword puzzle: You're making great progress, but 17 across and 24 down are making it impossible to solve the puzzle as a whole (17 across and 24 down would be security guards). We annoyed everyone with our crazy antics, but when you're young and on a mission, you can't be worrying about "social norms" or people's "personal boundaries." It's all in the name of love.

Finally, we got some useful information that led us right to their tour buses.about our motives so

PAH-TOW!

But, here's how it happened...

Many things occurred between sitting around the tour buses and actually meeting Tommy Shaw. I wont dive into any details 'cause frankly, I'm tired of writing about all the things not Tommy related. After waiting around for nearly two hours we were starting to lose our drive and hope. We began a list of pro's and con's to help us decide whether to leave or not. During our long wait we watched dozens and dozens of large white vans travel up to the stage, and come back down again. We were told that when Tommy returned to the tour bus, he would be in one of those vans. We waited and waited. Every time we saw a van come down the hill our hearts skipped.

Just as all hope seemed lost, another bus came down the long, winding road. The security guard got up to remove the rope blocking the public from the tour buses. I just had the feeling he was in the van. As soon as the van doors opened, the inner lights came on and there sat Tommy Shaw, with his Golden Locks laying delicately on his shoulders. WE BOTH BOOKED IT... We definitely crossed many lines, but we had to make it to the other side.

WE just went for it.

We started calling after him. "Tommy, Tommy, Hey Tommy!!! Can we get a picture?"

I swear on my life and all that is true... Tommy Shaw went right up to his tour bus, planted his foot on the bus platform, and... wait for it... turned around!!! He stepped down from the bus, came towards me, and his first words were directed at me... He said, "Hey, I saw you in the audience."

IS ANYONE STILL BREATHING???

I have gone over and over this, "Did that really happen? Did he really say that to me?" That moment is forever ingrained in my soul. To try and explain how much that meant to me would be foolish and unsuccessful. There's no greater feeling than knowing you've shared a moment with your musical idol, while they were performing. Nothing can capture how special it is to me that when he saw me, he recognized me. I'll never forget this precious and truly magical moment. You'll notice the pure, unadulterated joy splashed all over my face in the following picture.

I'm so doofy, but happy!

Heavens, he's hansdome!

I'm happy to report Tommy Shaw was as kind and soft-spoken as I imagined him to be. He was generous in taking a picture with us and chatting for a few brief moments. I can't remember all that I said, because I was out of my mind with awe and splendor, but I do remember yelling out, "Tommy, you're my musical idol, really seriously, you're very important to me." I shouted this to him as he returned to his bus. He kindly gave us a final wave and smile.

He did in fact get on that bus. Drove to other cities. Played other shows for thousands. But for those few seconds I felt like his only fan. Boy, my lucky stars sure aligned, so I could meet my hero.

Tommy if you're out there and reading this... Thank you! Thank you for continuing to love your fans after 30 years in the business. Thank you for dusting off your magic on a couple of girls who adore you. Thank you for never cutting you hair... It's gorgeous! Thank you for rockin' out with as much intensity as I hoped you would. Thank you for reminding me what a gift music is. Thank you for staying true to your Styx roots and never trying to forget.

I promise I'll never forget that night. Most of all, I'll never rest until every human is educated and well-versed in the dynamic, instinctual, and unstoppable music hailing from, Mr. Tommy Shaw.

STYX = PURE RADIATING MUSICAL BRILLIANCE

Get.Over.It

In my journey to becoming physically fit and conditioned, I've continually had the same problem: The proper gym underwear. It's truly, a pain-staking and an embarrassing process finding the proper undergarments for recreational activity. Let me save everyone a lot of trouble... If you want to have a decent work-out, free of bunching, binding, wedgies, riding-up, or worse... riding down, you've gotta Granny Pantie that caboose. The sooner you discover this fact the more active and enjoyable your work-outs will become. Because the coined description "Granny Panties" seems so overly used, I started calling my gym undies "Half-Back Hanes." I'm sure there's no mystery in why this name was established, but alas, I will share, because I strive for awkward moments even if I can not witness them first-hand. Those suckers cover all your business, so much so, they reach new heights. I'm talkin'bout back height. Please get over it. This post is merely to prevent people from going through what I went through. You wont regret it... PROMISE. Seriously, if this offends anyone, you're a prude. I'm only trying to help. This could be so much worse. Don't even get me started on Spanx (the infamous fat-suit).

Babs, I'm yours forever!

I can't stop thinking about this movie. 

That's true heartbreak, kids.

This is my favorite Barbra Streisand song.

I can't count how many times I've seen Funny Girl.

Go on girl... Sing it.

Like Sand Through the Hour Glass, These are the Words of Our Lives

I'm not sure when I grew to love mispronouncing, re-naming, or making-up words, but it's quite the favorite thing of mine. Just so every one's clear. The words and my definitions for them are as follows:

Jank, Janked, Jankedy: crooked teeth, Miley Cyrus, or jacked-up

Dingle-Dangle: measuring between elbow and wrist, a Frat tool-bag

Tinkle-Tankle: Pee Pee

Toy Toy: Toilet

Finkle-Winkle: measuring between the base and the tip of the pinky

Dingle-Berry: The Hit-it-and-Quit-it type. Big no no!

Romper: Large diaper, Parachute, Genie Pants, Clown attire.

Sweet Nectar: Two Magic Cards in T to R

Belly full O'Sush: Satisfaction of the belly with Sushi alone

D.G.L: Dirty Girl for Life, Skanky, Hoochie-Like

D.D.D aka Triple 'D': Demolition Derby Do, Crazy ratted Idaho Hair

BM on the Reg: Regular Bowel Movements

Stoopid: Super incredibly stupid.

Heavens: Useful lead-in word when wanting to express something emphatically

If I ever say, "You can hit me." That means I think you're foxy.

"I'm not crying," means I love it, but it might be controversial

I'm over it," mostly means I'm angry, but it could also mean, I'm really angry.

*Hope this clears some things up for my few readers

6 AM??? Truly a new Emily

Super Busy, Can't Blog, Gotta Go...

Great Tidings of Comfort and Joy

The most sincere wish of my heart came true recently. I was encased in a blanket, that never got tangled and never left an area of my body cold. I now know what it's like to be baked inside a chocolate-chip cookie. It feels like peace, comfort, and solace. Nothing has brought me so much physical comfort while appealing so greatly to my sense-of-humor. If you haven't guessed it already... I wore an adult onesie! Oh yes, oh yes. I know many of you are shedding tears with the knowledge that this most precious experience has not yet happened to you, but never fear... I have found a website dedicated solely to serving the demographic of adults wanting to be fully zipped into perfection. I know it's too early to request Birthday/Christmas presents, but if anyone feels the need to purchase a onesie for me, I wont cry. And when I say... I wont I cry... I mean... I will cry. I'll burst into joyful sobs. Check out this website just for kicks and laughs. The models are really professional and they know exactly how to position their bodies to market themselves and the onesie. It's also great to see Tara Reid getting some work these days.

http://www.jumpinjammerz.com/polar+fleece+jammerz/category-2-pajamas/?aid=ab8ca083661f7ec56979403465617f1b&info=Google-AdWords-Footed&gclid=COv2-cHc1KECFRP_iAodx2owJg

The couple that wears ONESIES together, stays together. I'd like an X-Large please. Thank you!

...These Men Are My Boyfriends...

Mac Attack!

This is the advertisement I referred to a few posts ago.

Just so everyone's clear, this commercial means to alienate PC's.

It's so different, but the meanings are so layered and conceptual.

I think it's totally brill!

Confessions of a Sleepoholic

I'm tired. Oh, soooo... tired. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have classes all... day... long... I begin at 8AM and finish at 6:30PM. I'm enjoying my course load, but I'm still discovering how to manage my over-active anxiety on Monday and Wednesday nights. My nerves are probably preparing me for the long day ahead, but consequently giving me some troubled nights.

Last night for example, I awoke to go 'tinkle tankle' in the 'toy toy'. The bathroom is so far from my bedroom. You have to enter three doors to arrive at the 'throne'. I was so delirious when I arose from my grave; I leaned over Eva's bed and said, "When I get back we'll switch, okay?" Umm... What? She didn't say anything, and I proceeded on my path to Relief City. On my adventure to the 'toy toy' I assumed and believed Eva and I would be switching beds when I returned. It wasn't until I arrived back in our bedroom that I realized switching beds in the middle of the night is creepy and not a social norm. I, well, briefly lost my mind. I definitely woke-up poor Eva, and freaked her out, because in my glorious (weird) return to the bedroom she asked, "Are you okay?" I nonchalantly said,"Yeah." Not believing me, she asked again, "Are you sure you're okay??" I knew what she was getting at, but I didn't know how to explain my bizarre and unique thought process, so I merely attempted to brush-it-off. I guess I was fine, but I clearly struggled to get a grasp on reality.

This happening shed new light on a common verbal exchange Eva and I often have. She asked me once where I stood on an issue. In all my hilarity I answered, "Where do I stand? I stand over your bed, while you're sleeping." This phrase stuck immediately. We love to say it and we think it's a 'knee-slapper'. Clearly, it's no longer a joke. It came to pass.

I am a sleep stalker/hoverer. Jank!

MMM

After a brilliant first week of school, it was time to let loose and hang with the ladies. The roomers and I felt a deep hankering for some Thai food. I'm fairly certain the only Thai restaurant in Rexburg, uses stray cats for their dishes (Mmm... mystery meat) so, it was off to Idaho Falls. Joy! I don't know about the rest of the women, but I was pretty hesitant about trying something new, without recommendation or prior experience. But, I asked myself, "What's the worst that can happen... Diarrhea?" Well, bad example, diarrhea's a deal-breaker, but we went regardless.

The place: Thai House. The setting: Super jankedy with multiple shades of Avocado. And, the first impression: Oh no! Our waitress was, well, I'll say a 'character'. When we asked her if the Massaman was a Red Curry, she said, "Umm... it looks brown to me." I was more or less horrified, and totally sketched out.

Our waitress also brought our food out one-by-one. That took twenty minutes. My home girl Shanae, hated her Pad Thai and said, "Ugh, it tastes like PetCo." Eva said, "Mmm... mine smells like PetCo! Delicious." Elizabeth farted loudly in the restaurant. I laughed hysterically and couldn't stop. Darling Elizabeth said, "That wasn't supposed to make noise."

After dinner it was off to see Disney's Oceans. Loved it. I'm terrified of the Ocean so I thought I'd be a little overwhelmed, but it was really quite beautiful. I thought everyone would enjoy themselves, but I don't think anyone did. This was made blatantly obvious, when I was the only one awake during the movie. I'm still satisfied I experienced it. So, in closing the Thai food was mediocre at best. The movie was magical. And my bowels are nice and tight. Any evening ending without diarrhea is a successful evening to me.

Gamble Everything

In my advertising class, I went on the ride of my life through the history of Advertising. Sweet mercy! I can't believe it took me so long to land here, but I'm thrilled I did. Advertising is an epic machine.

In class we were shown hundreds of ads, commercials, and campaigns. I watched a commercial that I've heard about, but never seen. It originally aired during the Super Bowl and revolutionized the advertising world forever. This important piece of history almost didn't air. It was just too controversial, bizarre, and different. Once the commercial aired, a Super Bowl announcer even said, "What was that?" That's the risk one runs in advertising, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. In this case it paid-off in dividends.

Can anyone guess what it is?

...It's not the Budweiser frogs...

I'll post the commercial in a few days, if no one guesses it.

In the meam time,

here's my favorite advertisement of all-time! Just take a look...

It has nothing to do with anything. I'll buy fifty. I guess it works.

Does This Look Swollen?

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, most famously collaborated for the film Once. Through this collaboration they were awarded an Oscar for Best Original Song. Now, they're back as The Swell Season with a debut album entitled Strict Joy. This is musical fusion at its finest.

This album in all its entirety is so important to me. There is some serious magical, soul happening. The melodies and lyrics are personal and exquisitely deep. They sing about things, I never knew I was feeling. I was struck right away with a few songs on their album, one being, Two Tongues. That song has stickers all over it (E-squared reference). I also dig Low Rising. I grew to love this song, because I think the music video is pure art. It's so beautiful and creative. Also, check out The Rain, it's a tear-jerker. I can't handle it. Please, please, please take a listen to, Fantasy Man. Heavens, this song is totally brill!

Attention: Mouth-Breathers

Dear Academic Advisor Resembling Napoleon Dynamite,

You are worthless. I'm currently in a very fragile state, because I'm trying to plan my life and future. You're supposed to be helping me. I find it very distracting discussing my academic plans with you, when you're clearly suffering from a seriously clogged, nasal-passage. Someone, please, get this man some nasal spray! Your lack of enthusiam for my needs and you're job, are less then subtle and demonstrated by your abrasive attempts to quickly shuffle me away. Could you at least pretend to help me? How am I supposed to graduate from college when young, inexperienced, humdrums, lacking seriously in social skills, are assigned to help me make the most out of my college career? Don't you fret, my dear Napoleon (Bradly), I'll avoid you like the Bubonic Plague in the future.

Warm Regards, Attractive Nose-Breather

Pause My Favorite Parts

Change is the process of being thrust into a state of saturated and unwanted growth. I used to feel so together and whole, but lately and mostly, I feel life's powerful punch to the NADS. I read a quote recently shedding light on my various emotions, "For every dream that's reborn, there's a dream that dies. For every hello you say, there's a sad goodbye." I've become extraordinarily brilliant at goodbyes. I've also adiosed old habits, feelings, actions, relationships, resentments, insecurities, etc. But my saddest farewell to date, has been my goodbye to idealism. 


I used to reside in a head full of wonder and excitement, bursting with adventure and possibility. I used to day-dream endlessly, about millions of circumstances, scenarios, and futures. Recently, I've faced my fate with exhaustion and defeat. I just accept the disappointment. Cynicism is no attractive quality, believe me, but if I'm being true, disappointment has been my relentless companion. 

But even in my saddest, darkest moments, I've still seen, recognized, and remembered fleeting moments of happiness and the possibility of rebirth. These moments come and go all too quickly, but they do exist. There is a season for every single thing. So here's my farewell to this harsh, tumultuous Winter, rot with fear, sickness, and doubt. A new and bright Spring chapter is awaiting its beginning. I'll stretch myself to insert at least some element of hope in what's to come, but I'm also preparing myself for undesired and precarious possibilities. I welcome this new chapter with open, but ambivalent arms. 


I do need change. I need distraction. I need life. I need laughter. And I need stability. I truly wish upon a distant and secret star, that I will partake of risk reaping rewards. I know hurt is as much a part of life as truth, love, and loss, but someday, I know, the hurt will subside and the rewards will blossom. When that day arrives I want to be prepared, so I can be worthy of its offering.

Get Gone

An ode to my city. Denver, you're such a wonder. I'm embarking on my journey back to Rexburg, in 3 days, so I decided to list my favorite Denver locations. These places are uniquely My City. These places are the scenes of many momentous crimes, secrets, and splendor.

1. Washington Park

2. Red Rocks Amphitheater

3. Ellie Caulkin Opera House

4. Denver Skyline

5.Colorado Rocky Mountains

"Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it’s true, someone somewhere is thinking of you.”

The Source of So Much Gossip

My obsession. I can't get enough. The band Gossip is fun, fresh, and flirty!

Beth Ditto, is the lead singer. It's safe to say she's off-her-rocker.

She's super large-and-in-charge and without eyebrows.

Her music rocks my face completely off!

She has a crazy set of pipes, that woman.

If you haven't listened to Gossip, get all up in that business.

They've got such a unique vibe with a sick beat. It makes my brain dance.

The best songs are Heavey Cross, Love Long Distance, and Four Letter Word.

Their music is my essential, gym companion.

There is some serious Hand Gems going on here.

Pikachu?

A Different Bottle

What do all coming-of-age, teen angst movies have in common? The monumental moment of playing a game of Spin the Bottle. Boo! I'm all sorts of confused about this game.

I have been to my fair share of parties and I must confess, I've never participated in a single game of spin the bottle, nor have I ever heard it mentioned or suggested. The only point of this post is to discover if individuals in their teen years actually played this game. I'm highly curious and quite taken with the idea. Confide in me, my few readers. I'm interested to know if this game is actually played.

CPR or ABC?

Let me just start with... What the biff does CPR stand for?

 Being awake at 7:45am is not a possibility for me, but it just so happens I was registered for a CPR class beginning at 8:45am this morning. Curse IT! The good news is, I awoke in time. Phew! And consequently became CPR certified. The bad news is, I may be too paralyzed with fear to perform CPR if need be. Sorry. 

The classroom was filled with tired, irritated women. I was also tired, but surprisingly chipper. Our instructor was male and clearly agitated with how he was spending his Saturday. I NEVER learned what CPR stood for, but I did learn ABC.

A - Airway

B - Breathing

C - Circulation/Compressions

*I'll make something up for CPR*

C - Call

P - Person's

R - Reverend 

They need Jesus.

After we learned the basics (ABC's). We had to administer the steps learned to dummies. Yep, that's right, dummies. We had to full-frontal snogg all over that business (Obscure Angus reference). In the hour leading up to dummy kissing, we were told numerous times we'd get extra credit if we asked for a defibrillator while performing CPR. The time came to swallow our pride and give a dummy life. There were three dummies. One was an adult, another was a child, and the last was an infant. The instructor put the adult dummy in the hallway for practice, and he kept the child and infant dummy in the classroom where he'd be observing. I decided to practice in the hall first. Everyone seemed self-conscious. Plus, no one was taking it very seriously. I, however, took the situation entirely too seriously and decided to treat it as reality. It was my greatest performance yet. It was filled with so much honesty and drama!

I'll walk you through what happened. I immediately knelt down in a panic and said, "Sir, wake up! Are you alright, Sir???" I cleared his airway and checked for breathing. Much to my chagrin there was no breathing. I yelled, "This man's not breathing, and he has no pulse. Everyone step back." I gave him two breathes and started compressions. I screamed, "Someone get me a defibrillator!" The people in the other room heard me scream and started laughing. Soon I was doing five cycles of CPR to a much larger audience. My instructor poked his head around the corner, smiled, and said, "Extra-credit."After being awarded imaginary extra-credit, I knew it was worth it. I saved that man's life.

I'm such a sass-bag. 

I Dropped a Tear in the Ocean

There exists a particular frozen yogurt, at Kuulture, in Downtown Denver that is more important to me, than any human relationship I've ever possessed. I can't even begin to explain how this refreshing, tart and smooth substance has tightly gripped my thoughts, free-will, and self-control. It's safe to say... I'm addicted.

Last night I went on a date with Ma Patti, and I convinced her to drive downtown to partake of this yummerness. After we couldn't find a parking space, she dropped me off, trusting I'd pick her poison for her. This poison is identical to mine. It's the Strawberry-Pomegranate frozen yogurt with fresh blackberries, strawberries, and mini yogurt chips. Oh heavens!!! I left this Temple of Taste, and waited on a street corner to be collected. It was 9pm, on a Friday night, and the streets were crawling with zombies (drunk people). Police sirens created an urban music backdrop. Ma Patti finally arrived at the scene, quite stressed and mighty frazzled. She kept saying, "I did not like that!" After she consumed her first bite of this sweet nectar, words were no longer needed. Her face lit up. Her body tightened. And her lips smacked. We drove home in absolute splendor.

I'm relieved to report, I'm not the only Hale capable of falling victim to addiction.

My dear mother said to me today, "All I want is Kuulture! Lets go there tonight!"

...TRIUMPH...

I will infinitely miss you while I'm away, sweet Kuulture.

...Gender Bender...

There's nothing to be said.

You Have Sight, But No Vision

One of life's sweet GEMS. New Sunglasses.

These ladies were calling my name.

Yes, I got them at Wal-Mart.

Yes, they were five dollars.

No, I'm not ashamed.

Let's Plow

After the touching tribute made to John Hughes' legendary and visionary film career at the Academy Awards, I felt enticed to pay my very own tribute. I must state that I have a very deep and meaningful relationship with several of his films. Do we even need to talk about Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Some Kind of Wonderful is so personal to me, because it's more or less my life. Pretty in Pink found me and changed me at age thirteen. Christmas Vacation is the very glue that binds my family together. Everything this man touched turned to gold. From Sixteen Candles to Uncle Buck. Starting with Vacation and stretching all the way towards Dennis the Menace. I have loved every product of this man's brilliant career. And in a lot of ways, his stories made me feel understood. I can watch them over and over again. That fact will remain. He will be missed, but his name will live on in infamy, as it is attached to some of the greatest films of all time. I'm in need of a little help to wrap this baby up, so I've enlisted the help of Duckie to aid in concluding this tribute. I give you, the substance of the man's genius... Try a Little Tenderness.

Here's to the Ladies Who Lunch - Everybody Laugh

Here's to the new unforeseen marvels, old shades of grey, and constants in my life. I've landed here, because of this modern age and Internet phenomena to therapeutically rage and celebrate life's surprising wit and nuances. Who am I to turn down an outlet, dedicated to what makes me, unmistakably me? Lets see where I begin, travel, static, and ultimately finish. So without further ado, here's to the ladies. Gentleman, hold on to your hats.