CPR or ABC?

Let me just start with... What the biff does CPR stand for?

 Being awake at 7:45am is not a possibility for me, but it just so happens I was registered for a CPR class beginning at 8:45am this morning. Curse IT! The good news is, I awoke in time. Phew! And consequently became CPR certified. The bad news is, I may be too paralyzed with fear to perform CPR if need be. Sorry. 

The classroom was filled with tired, irritated women. I was also tired, but surprisingly chipper. Our instructor was male and clearly agitated with how he was spending his Saturday. I NEVER learned what CPR stood for, but I did learn ABC.

A - Airway

B - Breathing

C - Circulation/Compressions

*I'll make something up for CPR*

C - Call

P - Person's

R - Reverend 

They need Jesus.

After we learned the basics (ABC's). We had to administer the steps learned to dummies. Yep, that's right, dummies. We had to full-frontal snogg all over that business (Obscure Angus reference). In the hour leading up to dummy kissing, we were told numerous times we'd get extra credit if we asked for a defibrillator while performing CPR. The time came to swallow our pride and give a dummy life. There were three dummies. One was an adult, another was a child, and the last was an infant. The instructor put the adult dummy in the hallway for practice, and he kept the child and infant dummy in the classroom where he'd be observing. I decided to practice in the hall first. Everyone seemed self-conscious. Plus, no one was taking it very seriously. I, however, took the situation entirely too seriously and decided to treat it as reality. It was my greatest performance yet. It was filled with so much honesty and drama!

I'll walk you through what happened. I immediately knelt down in a panic and said, "Sir, wake up! Are you alright, Sir???" I cleared his airway and checked for breathing. Much to my chagrin there was no breathing. I yelled, "This man's not breathing, and he has no pulse. Everyone step back." I gave him two breathes and started compressions. I screamed, "Someone get me a defibrillator!" The people in the other room heard me scream and started laughing. Soon I was doing five cycles of CPR to a much larger audience. My instructor poked his head around the corner, smiled, and said, "Extra-credit."After being awarded imaginary extra-credit, I knew it was worth it. I saved that man's life.

I'm such a sass-bag.