If I had an iPhone... Lah-da-da-da-da-da-dee

iPhone, oh iPhone, how I despise, and yet covet thee. 

I, myself have a very standard and practical phone. Or as I like to call it: boring, and useless. It is simple. It makes calls, and receives calls (well maybe not from a certain few). I also text. That is all. I have seen iPhones for many years now, and naturally felt an unfamiliar draw and desire within myself. I hate myself for admitting this, but I want an iPhone, okay? I do. I want one.

Even though there is a written admission of my iPhone desire, this doesn't mean I must like or condone certain smartphone practices. For instance, I will always despise in the moment any person that texts, searches the internet, takes photos, or answers the phone while I am with them. Unfortunately, this practice has become quite ordinary, and I dare say accepted. Well, I reject this idea, and I declare it to be incredibly rude, and blatantly self-absorbed. There is a time and a place. If I'm with another person, spending what I hope to be quality time, it's obnoxious beyond what I can process or explain. When I'm speaking to the top of someone's eyelid, as they scan their phone, and say, "Yeah, uh-huh. Keep Talking.... I'm listening," No you're not listening, and I don't like it. There is also the common practice of "watching" movies, while everyone around me is on their smartphone. I hate this! So, no. No, I tell you. No. Please don't. STOP. Okay? I'd appreciate it. We cool? Yes, no, okay. 

I vow to never do these things, if the universe grants me the funds to pay for a data plan. That is all...

...And... I came across these babies:

I'm such a simple creature. An iPhone is not nearly as exciting to me as a Harry Styles iPhone Case. Say what you will, but it's happening. Now, if only I could narrow it down to four...

Hatin' on Haylor

This is a somber time for me. Most of you know about the deep-rooted feelings I quickly developed for Harry Styles. I can't accurately explain it... I wish I could... All I can say is: I'm worried... He's dating my generation's version of a Country Pop Princess. I struggle to even use her name. If this plays out like the Katy Perry/Russell Brand fiasco of 2010, I'm doomed to love Taylor Swift and her music. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. I don't care how much radio play she gets I WILL FIGHT IT. I honestly thought I hated Katy Perry, but the level of disdain I feel for Taylor Swift is unmatched by any human being, dead or alive.

There is absolutely NO, and I repeat NO love there. Complete contempt is the only emotion that exists when her presence is unavoidable. When her single, "We Are Never Getting Back Together" hit the airwaves, I nearly crashed my car... It was a suicide attempt. The only thing I can compare listening to her music to, is a foreign agent attaching itself to my brain stem and making my soul tirelessly fight it off! I'm stronger than I look, and no amount of convincing or exposure will EVER make me feel a kinship with her or what some call her "music." I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! She may have taken every single one of my friends, but I will never give in... NEVER!

It's safe to say Harry Styles is dating my arch nemesis. I hope he breaks her fickle and immature heart into a million pieces. If she likes writing songs about break-ups, then she better do it... I triple-dog dare you, Taylor!!! I want you to write the most pathetic break-up song in existence. The ball is in your court, and if you want a Taylor Swift album purchaser out of me... Don't hold back... Just fall in love with him, experience the heart-breaking event of losing him, and write the crap-out-of-your-feelings. Heck, dedicate an entire album to this one break-up, I'll even pre-order it on iTunes.  Don't screw with me T-Swift, cause you already have an enemy in Emily Hale.

This Should and Will Matter to Everyone

My boys (One Direction) just put out their sophomore album, so I decided to man-up and write a FULL-REVIEW. My overall impression is a positive one. They took some risks, and explored some new territory, but for the most part they kept their classic sound that I initially fell in love with. However, I must admit, I didn't like every song. With that said, I'm just so thrilled to have some delicious One Direction to act as a soundtrack to my life! 

1. Live While We're Young-How could I possibly hate the first single from their newest album? Well, I wouldn't say I hate it, but it's not my favorite. Catchy hook, and an unbelievably classic 1D chorus. This is the song I'm told I hum in the aisle of the grocery store. It's safe, but still great.

2. Kiss You-I always think this song is on the bottom of my list, but as soon as the song begins, I remember that I ADORE it. It's everything a boy band song should be. It's ridiculous. 

It's unrealistic. There are bouts of falsetto singing mixed with repeated words and phrases. There are all the "Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs" you could want, and did I mention there's a clapping and "Nanana" section? It's pure gold from the Boy Band GODS!

3. Little Things-This might be controversial. Ed Sheeran, the writer of this song is a famous singer/songwriter in his own right. He wrote 2 tracks for their previous album, and I'm a fan of those songs, but he wasn't a great fit for this album. I can recognize an Ed Sheeran song from a mile away. He has a very distinct sound. It's raw and do I dare say unpolished? When I first heard this song I thought it was a rough cut. The lyrics obviously have an appeal, because it's specific and to the point. I can see how listing out every insecurity a girl has felt about herself, and then expressing a love that surpasses those things is very sweet. Here's my issue, I know they're not singing it to me or about me. If this song was directly written about me, I'd check myself into the looney bin, because I would be unable to stop the joyful tears! But it's not about me, so it feels... I'm sorry to say this, a bit unauthentic and cheesy. That doesn't mean I don't know every word... Because I do... I can appreciate what they're trying to do, I'm just not the ideal or target audience for this one.

4. C'mon, C'mon-OKAY! Well, this is the first song I listened to besides their first two singles "Live While We're Young," and "Little Things." I'm gonna say it, so be so ready... This song was everything I hoped for and MORE. Zayn literally lights my nachos on fire! His riffs are insane. I've been impressed throughout the album with the boys breaking from their usual vocal formula and organization. I'm so proud of little Niall on this one! The chorus features ALL the boys. It's catchy, sexy, and dynamic. My favorite part of this song is right after the bridge. There's a brief pause that feels like eternity. I found the deepest part of my soul in those brief moments. No complaints. 

5. Last First Kiss-Not an immediate favorite, so I tried to correct this. I like it more than I did, but I'm still not in love. I'm sure this will be a track that's an absolute go-to, in five months. Today, I'm not quite there. It's also taking me forever to learn the lyrics, they confuse me.

6. Heart Attack-Umm, yep... I have feelings. These feelings are aggressive, and I just can't talk about it. The vocals are strong from all the boys, and they scream "Oooooooowwwwweeeeeee."I'm not sad. Also, I need a boyfriend.

7. Rock Me-This song immediately and without question became my favorite. This song is similar to "More Than This" off their first album simply because the two songs, as different as they sound are the songs that sealed me to album. Up All Night could not have done without "More Than This." Just like Take Me Home would have been incomplete without "Rock Me." It features the boys perfectly. I've never been so impressed with Louis in any song. The vocals are strong all around. It's so catchy, it feels ridiculous. I love any chorus that goes up the scale and then back down again. The rhythm is the same beat as Queen's "We Will Rock You." Coincidence? I think not.

8. Change My Mind-Blah! Skip... Louis blows it on this one. Again, I wanna love it, but it's boring and Liam is featured on the chorus. Not his strong suit. I could've done without this one.

9. I Would-I WANT TO HATE THIS SONG, BUT I don't... I'm ashamed. This song is so cheesy, but I just can't help it. When Zayn works the chorus like he do... I melt. I'm a pathetic mess. There's whistling... I mean c'mon? Even if they spell out L-O-V-E for their not... so... bright fans, I find I'm still in L-O-V-E with this song, and them.

10. Over Again-Another Ed Sheeran song. Of all the songs on the album I like this one the least. The boys voices are not suited to the style of this song AT ALL. It's unpolished. They all sound pretty crappy, but Louis is by far the worst.

11. Back For You-This song is another that I'll love to death in 6 months or so, but today it bores me... I usually skip it even though I know all the words. I'm hopeless.

12. They Don't Know About Us-I mean cancer isn't being cured by this song. I doubt any respectable musician would even "guffaw" at this song, but I LOVE IT! I'm going to explain so simply and accurately why this song is so important to me... It sounds exactly like The Backstreet Boys. If you know me at all you know that the Backstreet Boys are my Boys 4 Life. This song would so seamlessly go on any BSB album. I'm proud of Louis and Niall on this one! They hold their own. Let me talk about Zayn for a minute. The boy has vocal chords made out of the creamiest, mocha latte in existence. His voice is the best of the groups by a landslide, and this song exemplifies this fact to a T!

13. Summer Love-I know this wont be a smash hit for the fans or anyone's first pick (besides Shanae of course), but I just fell in love with this song the moment I heard it. Niall and Zayn have beautiful vocal chemistry, so much so that I had a hard time deciphering between their two voices. My boyfriend Harry, just shatters my heart in this one. It's a nice change of pace from the rest of their tracks. It's one of their more ballad-type songs. That's something this album disappointed me on. NOT ENOUGH BALLADS. NOT VERY BSB BOYS! NOT COOL. "Feels like snow in Septemeber!" What a great lyric.

14. She's Not Afraid-This song is joke that I'm totally in on it... It's hilarious. I smile, giggle, and dance like a fool when I listen. Harry can touch me, if he wants to... I cry when I listen to him sing. It's a cross between The Beach Boys and as crazy as it sounds, Blink 182. The beat is generic, but the pace of the song reminds me of Blink. Again, the chorus goes up and down the scale. The smartest musical choices come from the simplest tricks.

15. Loved You First-This one took me a while to get in to. It's not at the top or bottom of my list, but I do enjoy it. It sounds so much like an 80's pop song. It's a throw back fo sho. Harry's voice drives me to a place of irrational emotion. This song will play over and over in a mall... I can guarantee that. 

16. Nobody Compares-I don't really get this song. I know all the words, but I'm still confused. It's associating geographical location with emotions, and occurrences. It's catchy, but not my cup of tea.

17. Still The One-I'm not hatin' on Liam on this one... He shows his stuff. Proud. I think I want to hate this one, but I just listen, and instantly want to quit my job, and take surfing lessons. Don't even ask me why, because I don't know. I see myself on the waves, soaking up sun rays, and kissing Harry right on the face. So, yeah, I like this song!

25 Ways to Turn 25

I've never paid too much attention to aging, because frankly as each birthday passes, I find that I'm still a 13-year-old girl living in my adult body... Age is JUST a number as they say, and I don't feel any older. My naive hope is to feel this way forever! Remarkably and by the graces of heaven, my 24th year turned out to be the best year of my life, and I fully anticipate 25 to put 24 to complete shame with a serious West Side Story rumble!

On the eve of my birthday a dinner was held where I found myself watching, observing, and basking in the joy of my current friendships. My heart was overcome with gratitude, because this outpouring of love sincerely shocked me. I was in a state of awe as person after person that I love, respect, and adore arrived.

I excused myself to the restroom early on in the meal to get ahold of my overly emotional self. I stood quietly, but I could still hear the rumbling of my friends, and I again felt overcome by the presence of these dear people. My heart swelled, because I couldn't process or believe the gift-like entrance of this unique bunch. These people were ALL the gift I needed and/or wanted on this day so strongly associated with presents.

I love to LOVE. I've loved way too hard in the past, and for far too long, so I wasn't sure I knew how to love or be loved in return. There are sadly relationships that have taught me that I'm easy to exploit and harm, I now know better. I see more clearly today than I did yesterday, and I most certainly see more clearly than I did a year ago.

I returned to the dinner table and looked at each person, as I told myself to never forget how this love feels... Never forget how good it feels to love another person and have that love feel so proportional and authentic. Reciprocated love is a heavenly love. I still can't believe my luck, in fact I wouldn't even call it luck, I would call it a blessing and consequence as a result of listening, acting, and persevering in faith. I'm where I want to be, with whom I want to be with, and I will NEVER go back!

My life is my own and it's absolutely what I've made of it this past year. With that said I could not have done it without the support and pure friendship of so many key players. As I hit this quarter of a century mark, I'd like to detail the 25 ways I've learned to be happy, successful, and authentically me:

1. Ask for help
2. Learn, establish, and implement boundaries
3. Call Ma Patti
4. Establish a safe haven in the way of people, places, and things
5. Never be afraid to walk away when it's necessary
6. Consult the Lord for guidance, strength, help, and comfort
7. Love yourself
8. Forgive yourself and others
9. Love yourself so you can love others
10. LAUGH. LAUGH. LAUGH.
11. Remember that men are people too
12. Remember what's important to the people you love
13. Own your decisions
14. Eat Cool Ranch Doritos
15. Drink tasty beverages
16. Say "Thank you"
17. Live with David and Jalene
18. Communicate your needs, and address the needs of others
19. Apologize
20. BE BRAVE!
21. Find what makes up your most authentic self and function from this place daily
22. Remember you aren't better than any person and no person is better than you
23. Don't just dream, take action!
24. When people show you who they are... Believe them! (I CAN'T STRESS THIS ONE ENOUGH)

25. Listen to One Direction endlessly! See a movie in an empty theater with Shanae. Listen to Les Miserables with Rachel. Laugh until you pee with Mackenzie. See an animated movie with Kaylie. Paint Henry's fingernails. Eat a meal with Eli. Catch frogs with Gina. Play butt darts with Carrie. Paint fingernails with Jalene. Play guitar and sing with Nic. Wrestle with Kirk. Count on JD. Do anything and everything with Ma Patti. Watch Suits with Dave and Jalene. Watch the Broncos with the Hale CLAN. Go to Ruby River with Melissa Marsh. Drive around in Lupicia with Melissa Roberts. Feel Andrew's pecs. Call Lewis Carl. Learn from Alexis. Go to a rodeo with Courtney. Talk One Tree Hill with Kristin. Absorb Annie's quirks. Listen to jams with Kat. Eat Chick-fil-A. And finally, accept love!

Even In a Street Fight

Passion: An intense desire or enthusiasm for something. 

Please bare this in mind as I explain a simple truth. With the exception of my very vocal opinion, there exists an unspoken competition between Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion. 

I would like to share some specific, concrete, and undiputable facts as to why Barbra Streisand is unequivicooly the more talented entity. When it comes to this topic, 9 times out of 10 I am met with the opposing opinion.

If you Looovvvveeee Celine Dion... Great!

If you prefer her to Barbra Streisand... I'll admit I'm confused, but I'll fully support you... but...

... and there is a big BUT, if any living soul at any point claimed Celine Dion to be more talented than Barbra Streisand, there will be no time for words... just bloodhshed. 

If you've seen Funny Girl, and you still prefer Celine over Babs... I'm so sorry, but you're wrong. Disgraceful!

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when I hear this, and even more so when people actually believe it. Celine Dion has a set of pipes, a nice pair of legs for good-measure, and the woman is French-Canadian for heaven's sake. I've gotta give it up to her, she's got talent. I admit it, but that's not the issue here. Celine Dion is without a doubt talented, but is she AS talented as Barbra? I'm embarrassed for you for even asking. 

Does she have 8 Grammy's? Nope. Is she one of the very few entertainers to be awarded an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, and Tony? Oh that's right... No, again. Does Celine Dion write, act, direct, sing, record, perform, all at once? You must be outta yo mind! NO.

Look, I don't want to make waves, but there's just enough hurt and sadness in the world, and I don't think I can greet another day if this issue isn't resolved. I think it's pretty clear who is... I'll say it, "better." Lets just let some things make sense in this crazy world. This is a great opportunity to learn about accepting truth. 

Barbra Streisand not only trumps Celine Dion in every creative category, but if a street fight broke out... Babs would beat Celine Dion's heart until it didn't go on. See what I did there? Titanic reference. 

Give it up, Celine! Babs will NEVER be knocked off her throne... But good luck, and 

I hope your life is happy with your Grandpa... Pardon me, Father... Oops again... Honestly, I meant to say manager.

That's Enough Nickelback

I've come to expect certain misgivings in life, call me jaded, but even I must admit every so often life outstretches its' mystical hand, and presents me with a rare, and unforeseen gift.

I'm not one to wish misery or unhappiness on any individual, but there are two garbage pales for human-beings, that really have it comin'. These individuals whom I speak of just released a public statement informing the world of their undying love for one another.

Chad Kroeger (lead-singer of Nickelback), and Avril Lavigne are ENGAGED!!! This is what dreams are made of.  They're planning a perfect life of fidelity, wealth, rock 'n roll, and all the bleach-blonde hair-dye you can imagine. Well... GOOD LUCK YOU TWO CANUCKS!

Hopefully, America's favorite Pop-Punk-Princess, with her pink highlights and compulsive need to stick her tongue out, while flashing the rock sign, followed by flippin' the bird, will enjoy being married to the bane of my existence and the sole reason behind MY irrational desire to remove my ears from my face... slowly... and with the use of a rusty, dull spoon.

I just know they're gonna make it work, stay together forever, and make each other
happy along the way. Congrats you TWO! Don't forget how much you deserve each other. 

Trampire

With Kristen Stewart's infidelity to long-time boyfriend, Robert Pattinson highly publicized, it became necessary to form an instant and extremely biased opinion. I along with Will Ferrell and Jon Stewart view this as the gravest incident to occur since Breaking Dawn: Part 1 was released in theaters for viewing purposes. With this shocking, sick, and adulterous news, one question lingers on the lips of every misunderstood teenage girl: What will happen to the Twilight Franchise? With the release of the final installment of the Twilight Series yet to come, I want to say only this: I will see the midnight showing with my mother, and two sisters. I will pay full price. I will laugh uncontrollably, and enjoy every... single... solitary... moment. Once I've seen the movie, I will make it my life's mission to hunt and carry out my revenge on that trampy vampire. I know I'm not alone... Who will be my brother? (Obscure Snow White and the Huntsman reference).